i used to go out without a safety pin

back then in the heavy days
when i used to be unconscious
when i was still in denial
i could at least feel the numbness
and how overwhelming it was to make the first freeing step
to become one girl with a conscience
it was a lot to bare though, i was constantly under the watch of myself and i became very controlling
and now - some time has passed - i do not know (but would appreciate to have a feeling for)
how to move freely, how to make decisions
based on my very own and inner will
and back then in the heavy days
i could at least feel the numbness
but now i believe i cannot feel anything at all
not even the obnoxious, crawling pain
that should be there at all times.

what i found at the train station

asian girls who dance at the baker shops when they place the order
soul mates who just walk by
dogs that look like racing horses, brawny and fierce, wrapped in blankets like newborn babies
cookies that cost a fortune
sweetly smiling ladies squished in elevators, they know more than you think
each person you see could tell you their whole lives
if you were the centre of attention
you are glad you are not, but you like the idea

all we have is now

curious whiskers in my throat
fascinating rhythms in my stomach
poor splinters of thoughts in my head
your hand on my arm
your eyes sunken into mine
you occupy my soul